In The Life of Thomas Driggers

Free your heart by accepting the pain. Allow yourself to feel it all. Accept the fact that a whole heart is pain and beauty together. You cannot be free without accepting both. Without embracing both. Its a must. Free the heart. 

Pain. No one knows pain like someone who has been to the depths of severe bipolar depression while simultaneously being continuously hit with losing loved ones, the heartbreak of death, the permanent separation, the deep searing pain of knowing you will never see them again. Then bam another loss, then another, and again and again and again. It destroys one’s soul to think that everyone they love dies. It’s very narrow sighted and nearly impossible to break out of depression when your mind is stuck on repeat from pain. You can’t think, you can’t focus, you only have one thing on your mind, pain. Agony, soul crushing remorse for something completely out of your control, something you feel you have caused in some way, something that makes you feel so much intense heartache that sobbing for hours until you pass out, then doing it again when you wake up, and over and over, for weeks or even years. It just makes you a zombie in motion doing the things you need to do to survive and then back...

 Hope. How do you kill the hope within when you know the end has come. How do you let go of something that you never wanted to let go of. How do you bring peace to yourself and be a balancing force for others. How can you move forward when your so damaged from pain and sorrow. Why is there still hope when you know its fruitless. Why is there still compassion when you know it deserves coldness. Why kindness instead of evil. Why love instead of hate. Why do you not just let go. Well, sometimes you just cant. No matter how hard you try. No matter what you do. It. Just. Wont. Leave. Its called having a huge heart, or also referred to as, a heart of gold. No matter what is thrown at you, you remain kind. No matter what harms you, you remain compassionate. No matter what, you remain hopeful for better days. Its hard, i know. It sucks, i know. Its as though you wish you could be cruel. You wish you could be evil. You wish you could treat them the same way they have treated you. But you ju...

 Writing is an outlet for me. A way to release the demons within. some reason, some how, i cannot allow myself to feel the way I need to in order to heal and move forward with my life. That is unless I drink, or smoke (weed), or write. Now, I want to write because the other alternatives are not healthy ones. I would prefer to stay alive at least long enough to see my grandchildren grow up. So maybe 80? a minimum. So in an effort to improve my health and overall wellbeing, writing will begin to be my outlet. It has been a long time since I have done this and there will be some learning curves. However, being an avid reader of Robert Greene and his novel Mastery, this is something I hope to master one day. I would love to write a novel, maybe one telling the story of my life. The ins and outs of what its like to live with such dibilatating mental illness. Bipolar disorder and adhd. Who knows, I may even be on the spectrum and I probably also have BPD, borderline personality disorder....