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Pour my heart

Pain.

No one knows pain like someone who has been to the depths of severe bipolar depression while simultaneously being continuously hit with losing loved ones, the heartbreak of death, the permanent separation, the deep searing pain of knowing you will never see them again. Then bam another loss, then another, and again and again and again. It destroys one’s soul to think that everyone they love dies. It’s very narrow sighted and nearly impossible to break out of depression when your mind is stuck on repeat from pain. You can’t think, you can’t focus, you only have one thing on your mind, pain. Agony, soul crushing remorse for something completely out of your control, something you feel you have caused in some way, something that makes you feel so much intense heartache that sobbing for hours until you pass out, then doing it again when you wake up, and over and over, for weeks or even years. It just makes you a zombie in motion doing the things you need to do to survive and then back to sobbing. You’ll have breaks every now and then with bipolar in play, some days you will feel slightly better than others and then other days will be the best day you had in a long time! And that’ll last about a week or two and then bam! Right back down in the dumps because something reminded you of your pain deep inside and it wants out!! And it’ll do anything to relieve itself even just a little. It’s like being stuck in hell with nothing but misery, pain, and torcher and the only way to relieve it is dependent on you. And sometimes you only want to drink and get high just to try to numb yourself a little. The problem is the pain never goes away. It’s always there. Always! And you’ll do anything to stop the pain!!!! How the hell do you stop the pain?! Make it stop!!! Ahhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!! Bang! You wake up and youre still in pain!!!! The catch 22 of the nightmare that is life!!! Until you finally do it one day. You kill yourself. Then. Nothing. Peace. Serenity. But then you never do it because you are smart enough to know that this pain can be cured and it can be eliminated. And we won’t have to pass this pain we carry on to our loved ones. Remember the ones you still have. Don’t leave them with that pain of loss. There is help. Get it. 

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