In The Life of Thomas Driggers

Pain. No one knows pain like someone who has been to the depths of severe bipolar depression while simultaneously being continuously hit with losing loved ones, the heartbreak of death, the permanent separation, the deep searing pain of knowing you will never see them again. Then bam another loss, then another, and again and again and again. It destroys one’s soul to think that everyone they love dies. It’s very narrow sighted and nearly impossible to break out of depression when your mind is stuck on repeat from pain. You can’t think, you can’t focus, you only have one thing on your mind, pain. Agony, soul crushing remorse for something completely out of your control, something you feel you have caused in some way, something that makes you feel so much intense heartache that sobbing for hours until you pass out, then doing it again when you wake up, and over and over, for weeks or even years. It just makes you a zombie in motion doing the things you need to do to survive and then back...

 Hope. How do you kill the hope within when you know the end has come. How do you let go of something that you never wanted to let go of. How do you bring peace to yourself and be a balancing force for others. How can you move forward when your so damaged from pain and sorrow. Why is there still hope when you know its fruitless. Why is there still compassion when you know it deserves coldness. Why kindness instead of evil. Why love instead of hate. Why do you not just let go. Well, sometimes you just cant. No matter how hard you try. No matter what you do. It. Just. Wont. Leave. Its called having a huge heart, or also referred to as, a heart of gold. No matter what is thrown at you, you remain kind. No matter what harms you, you remain compassionate. No matter what, you remain hopeful for better days. Its hard, i know. It sucks, i know. Its as though you wish you could be cruel. You wish you could be evil. You wish you could treat them the same way they have treated you. But you ju...

 Writing is an outlet for me. A way to release the demons within. some reason, some how, i cannot allow myself to feel the way I need to in order to heal and move forward with my life. That is unless I drink, or smoke (weed), or write. Now, I want to write because the other alternatives are not healthy ones. I would prefer to stay alive at least long enough to see my grandchildren grow up. So maybe 80? a minimum. So in an effort to improve my health and overall wellbeing, writing will begin to be my outlet. It has been a long time since I have done this and there will be some learning curves. However, being an avid reader of Robert Greene and his novel Mastery, this is something I hope to master one day. I would love to write a novel, maybe one telling the story of my life. The ins and outs of what its like to live with such dibilatating mental illness. Bipolar disorder and adhd. Who knows, I may even be on the spectrum and I probably also have BPD, borderline personality disorder....

       2021. The year I change my lives trajectory. I hope you all will join me in reading about what I am doing and how its going. Let us begin.          We all know how awful 2020 was, but lets focus on how awesome this next year will be! First things first, we all make resolutions, but do we keep them? I know I rarely do. My resolution this year is to keep a resolution from last year, and that is to become healthier and wealthier. I have many plans on the wealth front, but that is for later. For now, I want to write about my health plans.       The first is this Keto diet I constantly hear about. I have been doing my research and striving to figure it out best I can. One of the best things I have found is this website that gives so much information on it, and even offers a plan custom to me. It measures all the boring stuff for me and then gives me an 8 week meal plan. If interested, follow this link  Custom K...

                How do we bring peace, equality, and fairness to a world ran by those concerned with power, money, and influence? How do we stop the violence and anger towards each other? How do we prevent this world from falling into chaos? How do we make it possible to stop saying “life isn’t fair”?                 These questions are often on my mind and I feel I have the solution.   The issue I face with said solution is that I cannot control the emotions or actions of others.   That, however, is not my intent anyway.   My intent is to bring my point of view to light, and with some luck, spread it to enough people to make a change.   The other issue with this is the world we live in is all about the now, the instant gratification.   No one plays the long game anymore and that is an issue.   Its all a...

Love is strange. Love is hard. Love cannot be understood or measured. Or can it be?   How do you know its love? How do you know that you love someone, or something? What if you can’t love? What if you have grown so used to heartache and pain, that love is an impossible thing to achieve? Or what if you love everyone you meet? Or you think you do? This was my problem. Love. Im not sure if I ever knew how to love, or even knew what love was. Im sure at some points I thought I knew, or I thought I loved, but I highly doubt it. Every girl I dated, I loved, every thing I did that I enjoyed, I loved. This can’t be love right? Or is it? I had no clue for a long time.   I have been entirely lost my whole life, until now. I didn’t know if I would ever find love or if love even existed for me the way it does for others.   I could feel like I can’t live without someone, but as soon as they were gone, I was okay. That wasn’t normal.   That wasn’t love. How could I ...