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Love is Strange


Love is strange. Love is hard. Love cannot be understood or measured. Or can it be?  How do you know its love? How do you know that you love someone, or something? What if you can’t love? What if you have grown so used to heartache and pain, that love is an impossible thing to achieve? Or what if you love everyone you meet? Or you think you do? This was my problem. Love.
Im not sure if I ever knew how to love, or even knew what love was. Im sure at some points I thought I knew, or I thought I loved, but I highly doubt it. Every girl I dated, I loved, every thing I did that I enjoyed, I loved. This can’t be love right? Or is it? I had no clue for a long time.  I have been entirely lost my whole life, until now. I didn’t know if I would ever find love or if love even existed for me the way it does for others.  I could feel like I can’t live without someone, but as soon as they were gone, I was okay. That wasn’t normal.  That wasn’t love. How could I feel so much, yet so little at the same time? How could I love so hard, yet be okay when it was gone? That didn’t feel human. That wasn’t okay with me. I was lost.  I didn’t know where to go from there. It was time I figured out who I was and let everything and everyone else go. Was that what selfishness was? Maybe. I wasn’t sure. All I knew is that I didn’t know. What if I really didn’t love my children? What If I really didn’t love myself? What if I was incapable of love? What then? What was left? I guess I needed to figure that out. I thought maybe I was just scared to be alone, yet I enjoyed it. I was scared I would enjoy it too much. What would the world think if I had gone off the grid? Who would have been affected by it? Who would have cared? Who would have missed me? Who would I have missed? Who would I have wanted to be with me? Or would I have wanted to just stay alone cause it would have been easier and it wouldn’t cause others pain? I didn’t know the answers to those questions.  All I knew was that I didn’t know. That is until I met you.
The immense amount of joy that you brought into my life is incredible. I was living in the darkest corners of my bipolar depression when I met you.  It was life changing, literally life changing. The positivity that you brought to my life, the feeling of becoming whole again, the balance and stability on a mental scale, it is all so incredible.  I was in that dark place for a couple years at least, and nothing pulled me out.  I tried so hard too.  And you just brought life back to me.  And only within a couple months.  The circumstances of how our relationship began are unfortunate, yet I am so thankful for it.  Yes, we had to struggle to figure it all out, but we did it.  I owe everything to you for saving me from the hell I was in. There has never been something so authentic, and real as you in my life.  The thoughts that went through my head during our first kiss, well, that was everything the movies portray.  Everyone says Hollywood is wrong about love and the “fireworks” of a first kiss, but I beg to differ.  When you have a kiss as powerful as ours, where that spark turns to a roaring flame, there is no better way to describe it then as the “fireworks” of the heart.  The time when we both fell, now that was even more magical.  The comfort, peace, and feeling of being home was uncomparable to anything that has ever been portrayed by anyone.  It was so real, so authentic, so incredibly genuine that there was no denying it.  There is no way to put that feeling into words.  There is nothing on this planet that is greater than what we felt that night, what we feel when we are together, and what we will continue to feel throughout the remainder of our lives. I am so incredibly lucky to have found you and am so incredibly lucky to see where this all goes. Love is no longer complicated. Love is no longer hard. Love is no longer confusing.  Love is clear, powerful, and pure now that I have you.

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